A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, "You foreigners Come in. Come into my humble shop." So the married couple walked in.
The Pakistani man said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you'd be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great desert camel."
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man had claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex hero he was.
The husband asked the man, "how could sandals make you into a sex freak?"
The Pakistani man replied, "Why don't you try them on and see for yourself?"
Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years -- raw sexual power. In a blink of an eye, the husband rushed the Pakistani man, threw him on the table and started tearing at the guy's pants. All the time the Pakistani man was screaming, "YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET"
Showing posts with label jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label jokes. Show all posts
A really good joke
This must really hurt. I bet he'll remember this one for a while. Poor guy. And his good friend is laughing as hard as he can while the camer is rolling. Damn! >.<
Red Neck Jokes
How do you know when you're staying in a Kentucky hotel? When you call the front desk and say "I've got a leak in my sink," and the person at the front desk says, "Go ahead."
An Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40 and says to the driver, "Got any ID?" The driver says, "'Bout what?"
Two Mississippians are walking toward each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey Tommy Ray, whatcha got in th' bag?" "Jes' some chickens." "If I guesses how many they is, kin I have one?" "Shoot, if ya guesses right, I'll give you both of 'em!" "OK. Ummmmm...five?"
Ida Mae passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911-operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator. Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?" After a long pause, Bubba said, "How 'bout I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"
You've been programming too long when
When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".
When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.
When your wife says "If you don't turn off that darn machine and come to bed,then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause.
When you are reading a book and look for the space bar to get to the next page.
When you look for your car keys using: "grep keys /dev/pockets"
When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number.
When you get in the elevator and double-press the button for the floor you want.
When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your {network address} faster than your postal one.
When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you're doing the math in octal.
When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.
When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.
When your wife says "If you don't turn off that darn machine and come to bed,then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause.
When you are reading a book and look for the space bar to get to the next page.
When you look for your car keys using: "grep keys /dev/pockets"
When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number.
When you get in the elevator and double-press the button for the floor you want.
When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your {network address} faster than your postal one.
When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you're doing the math in octal.
When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.
Dealing with criminals
A local policeman had just finished his shift one cold November evening and was at home with his wife.
"You just won't believe what happened this evening , in all my years on the force I've never seen anything like it."
"Oh yes dear, what happened ?"
"I came across two guys down by the canal, one of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks."
"Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!! What did you do with them ?"
"Oh that was easy, I charged one and let the other off."
"You just won't believe what happened this evening , in all my years on the force I've never seen anything like it."
"Oh yes dear, what happened ?"
"I came across two guys down by the canal, one of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks."
"Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!! What did you do with them ?"
"Oh that was easy, I charged one and let the other off."
Bozo's Big Beautiful Ass
There was an old man named Bozo, and all he had was a female donkey. One day he wins the lottery and gets $50,000. He doesn't know what to do with his money, so he decides to spend a night in a five star hotel. He asks for the finest room and starts going up the stairs with his female donkey. The manager sees him and asks where he's going with his donkey.
"Anywhere I go, she goes."
"I'm sorry, sir," said the manager, "but you can't take the donkey upstairs. Leave it down here with us and we'll take good care of her." So Bozo goes up to his room and opens the door. Everything is made of gold, there is a table full of food, and a huge television. He doesn't want to ruin anything so he takes his raggedy coat off and sleeps on the floor. The next morning the manager comes up to the room and asks how his night was.
''Great!'' replied Bozo. ''How much do I have to pay?'' he asks.
''One thousand dollars for the food.''
''But I haven't touched the food."
''It was right there, so you should have. Two thousand dollars for the TV."
''But I didn't even know how to turn the damn thing on!''
''It was there, so you should have. Five thousand for sleeping on the bed."
''But I slept on the floor!''
''It was there. Your total is eight thousand dollars."
''You owe me ten thousand dollars for screwing my donkey.''
''But sir, I didn't screw your donkey.''
''It was there. You should have!''
"Anywhere I go, she goes."
"I'm sorry, sir," said the manager, "but you can't take the donkey upstairs. Leave it down here with us and we'll take good care of her." So Bozo goes up to his room and opens the door. Everything is made of gold, there is a table full of food, and a huge television. He doesn't want to ruin anything so he takes his raggedy coat off and sleeps on the floor. The next morning the manager comes up to the room and asks how his night was.
''Great!'' replied Bozo. ''How much do I have to pay?'' he asks.
''One thousand dollars for the food.''
''But I haven't touched the food."
''It was right there, so you should have. Two thousand dollars for the TV."
''But I didn't even know how to turn the damn thing on!''
''It was there, so you should have. Five thousand for sleeping on the bed."
''But I slept on the floor!''
''It was there. Your total is eight thousand dollars."
''You owe me ten thousand dollars for screwing my donkey.''
''But sir, I didn't screw your donkey.''
''It was there. You should have!''
Aids
A guy picked up a woman at a bar one night and took her home. On the way, she asked him if he had aids. He told her he didn't. At his house she asked again if he had aids, and he assured her that he didn't. In bed, after they had begun to remove their clothes, she stopped and turned to him.
"You're sure you don't have aids?" she asked.
"Yes, I'm sure," he told her, getting a bit annoyed. She finally stopped talking, and they had sex for hours, doing everything imaginable. Afterwards they were laying there in bed and she snuggled up to him.
"Look," she said, " It's too late now, so you might as well tell me if you have aids."
"I told you I don't have aids," he almost yelled.
"Oh, thank god," she sighed, "I wouldn't want to get that again."
"You're sure you don't have aids?" she asked.
"Yes, I'm sure," he told her, getting a bit annoyed. She finally stopped talking, and they had sex for hours, doing everything imaginable. Afterwards they were laying there in bed and she snuggled up to him.
"Look," she said, " It's too late now, so you might as well tell me if you have aids."
"I told you I don't have aids," he almost yelled.
"Oh, thank god," she sighed, "I wouldn't want to get that again."
Sunday School
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.
A boy without email
A jobless man applied for the position of "office boy" at Microsoft. The HR manager interviewed him then watched him cleaning the floor as a test. "You are employed."
He said." Give me your e-mail address and I'll send you the application to fill in, as well as date when you may start."
The man replied "But I don't have a computer, neither an email. "I'm sorry", said the HR manager, "If you don't have an email, that means you do not exist. And who doesn't exist, cannot have the job."
The man left with no hope at all. He didn't know what to do, with only $10 in his pocket. He then decided to go to the supermarket and buy a 10Kg tomato crate.
He then sold the tomatoes in a door to door round. In less than two hours, he succeeded to double his capital. He repeated the Operation three times, and returned home with $60. The man realized that he can survive by this way, and started to go everyday earlier, and return late Thus, his money doubled or tripled every day. Shortly, he bought a cart, then a truck, then he had his own fleet of delivery vehicles.
5 years later, the man is one of the biggest food retailers in the US. He started to plan his family's future. He called an insurance broker, and chose a protection plan. When the conversation was concluded, the broker asked him his email. The man replied, "I don't have an email". The broker answered curiously, "You don't have an email, and yet have succeeded to build an empire. Can you imagine what you could have been if you had an email?!!"
The man thought for a while and replied, "Yes, I'd be an office boy at Microsoft!"
Moral of the story:
M1 - Internet is not the solution to your life.
M2 - If you don't have internet, and work hard, you can be a millionaire.
M3 - If you received this message by email, you are closer to being an office boy, than a millionaire....
have a great day!!!
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He said." Give me your e-mail address and I'll send you the application to fill in, as well as date when you may start."
The man replied "But I don't have a computer, neither an email. "I'm sorry", said the HR manager, "If you don't have an email, that means you do not exist. And who doesn't exist, cannot have the job."
The man left with no hope at all. He didn't know what to do, with only $10 in his pocket. He then decided to go to the supermarket and buy a 10Kg tomato crate.
He then sold the tomatoes in a door to door round. In less than two hours, he succeeded to double his capital. He repeated the Operation three times, and returned home with $60. The man realized that he can survive by this way, and started to go everyday earlier, and return late Thus, his money doubled or tripled every day. Shortly, he bought a cart, then a truck, then he had his own fleet of delivery vehicles.
5 years later, the man is one of the biggest food retailers in the US. He started to plan his family's future. He called an insurance broker, and chose a protection plan. When the conversation was concluded, the broker asked him his email. The man replied, "I don't have an email". The broker answered curiously, "You don't have an email, and yet have succeeded to build an empire. Can you imagine what you could have been if you had an email?!!"
The man thought for a while and replied, "Yes, I'd be an office boy at Microsoft!"
Moral of the story:
M1 - Internet is not the solution to your life.
M2 - If you don't have internet, and work hard, you can be a millionaire.
M3 - If you received this message by email, you are closer to being an office boy, than a millionaire....
have a great day!!!
Smiling after reading is not mandatory!!!! chuck funny joke norris,gay joke,clean funny joke,woman joke,lawyer joke,funny hindi joke for sms,yo mamma joke,best joke,sexy joke,cartoon joke,stupid joke,the best yo momma,golf joke,white joke,retirement joke,picture joke,good joke,funny black
Embarrassed Johnny
Little Johnny was in his nursery class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living.
All the typical answers came up- fireman, policeman,salesman... etc... Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.
"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes ,if the offer is really good, he'll go out to the alley with some screamin fag and take it up the ass."
The teacher ,obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some coloring, and took little Johnny aside to ask him,"Is that really true about your father?"
"No," said Johnny, "he plays for the Boston Red Sox, but I was too embarassed to say".
All the typical answers came up- fireman, policeman,salesman... etc... Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.
"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes ,if the offer is really good, he'll go out to the alley with some screamin fag and take it up the ass."
The teacher ,obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some coloring, and took little Johnny aside to ask him,"Is that really true about your father?"
"No," said Johnny, "he plays for the Boston Red Sox, but I was too embarassed to say".
Tech support
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote click'."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote click'."
Computer Abbreviations
AOL - Anti On-Line
APPLE Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
BASIC Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
CD-ROM Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
COBOL Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
COMPUTER Capable Of Making Perfectly Uncomplicated Tasks Extremely Rigorous
DOS Defunct Operating System
IBM I Blame Microsoft
IBM I Bought Macintosh
ISDN It Still Does Nothing
LISP Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parentheses
LOTUS Lots Of Trouble, Usually Serious
MACINTOSH Most Applications Crash, If Not The Operating System Hangs
MCSE Minesweeper Consultant & Solitaire Expert
MCSE Must Consult Someone Experienced
MCSE Making Computers Slow Everyday
MICROSOFT Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers
MIPS Mistakes Incurred Per Second
MIPS Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
NASCAR Non-Athletic Sport Centered Around Rednecks
NTSC Never The Same Color
OS/2 Obsolete Soon Too
PASCAL Pedantry And Strictness Created A Language
PCMCIA People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
PENTIUM Produces Erroneous Numbers Thru Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics
POTS Plain Old Telephone System
RISC Reduced Into Silly Code
SCSI System Can't See It
SCSI-2 System Can't See It Again
SNMP Security Not My Problem
WINDOWS Wonderful Interface No Dos User Would Sanction
WINDOWS Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
APPLE Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
BASIC Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
CD-ROM Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
COBOL Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
COMPUTER Capable Of Making Perfectly Uncomplicated Tasks Extremely Rigorous
DOS Defunct Operating System
IBM I Blame Microsoft
IBM I Bought Macintosh
ISDN It Still Does Nothing
LISP Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parentheses
LOTUS Lots Of Trouble, Usually Serious
MACINTOSH Most Applications Crash, If Not The Operating System Hangs
MCSE Minesweeper Consultant & Solitaire Expert
MCSE Must Consult Someone Experienced
MCSE Making Computers Slow Everyday
MICROSOFT Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers
MIPS Mistakes Incurred Per Second
MIPS Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
NASCAR Non-Athletic Sport Centered Around Rednecks
NTSC Never The Same Color
OS/2 Obsolete Soon Too
PASCAL Pedantry And Strictness Created A Language
PCMCIA People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
PENTIUM Produces Erroneous Numbers Thru Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics
POTS Plain Old Telephone System
RISC Reduced Into Silly Code
SCSI System Can't See It
SCSI-2 System Can't See It Again
SNMP Security Not My Problem
WINDOWS Wonderful Interface No Dos User Would Sanction
WINDOWS Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
0
People Laughs Label:
jokes
People Laughs Label:
jokes
A lawyer's advice to a doctor
A doctor and a lawyer met at a party. Their conversation was interrupted repeatedly by guests asking the doctor for medical advice. Finally, the exasperated doctor turned to the lawyer and said, "Tell me, what do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"When they ask, I give them advice", replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill in the morning."
The doctor decided to take the lawyer's advice and for the rest of the evening wrote down the names and addresses of everyone who approached him for advice. The next morning he took out the list, just as his secretary walked into his office and handed him a bill from the lawyer.
"When they ask, I give them advice", replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill in the morning."
The doctor decided to take the lawyer's advice and for the rest of the evening wrote down the names and addresses of everyone who approached him for advice. The next morning he took out the list, just as his secretary walked into his office and handed him a bill from the lawyer.
0
People Laughs Label:
jokes
People Laughs Label:
jokes
Lawyer defending a burglar
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried a creative defense:
"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
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